Tuesday, March 19, 2013

On Grief

It comes so late at night, the grieving.

I try to exhaust myself, make my eyes so tired by reading, surfing the web, playing games... But it still comes.

I shut my eyes and it is all I see. I hear voices loudly in the night's stillness and I can't relax.

I keep going back in my memories. I keep them on repeat. I hope when I wake up it is different. Everyone is here. No one is gone.

It doesn't change though. Time passes, whether I am an active participant or not.

When there is light out, I find myself in conversations with people I care about, people I enjoy. But I'm not listening. I can't focus on what they are saying. I don't know why this is difficult.

I keep saying the wrong word. Sounds like... But isn't.

I find myself driving and missing my turn. On routes I drive all the time.

My face makes expressions that I don't know about. "What's that face for?" I keep hearing that. I don't think I mean whatever my face is saying. But I can't get it in line.

It is a strange thing. It's a lot of strange things.

It certainly isn't comfortable to be this transparent. I guess my hope is that by acknowledging grief I can someday heal.

I'll think of you everyday, Grandpa. I just can't do otherwise, no matter how I try.

Monday, March 11, 2013

New

Things are starting to pop up a little in our gardens. I am slightly nervous because we did have snow last week, but the 60 degree weekend has made me a little less nervous. I don't want my flowers to freeze over. I like to enjoy them for a while.

One thing that I am excited about are the new bulbs I planted last fall. So far all I see are crocuses, but I know the tulips are in there somewhere.